No Milk, No Eggs? No Problem. Chocolate cake!

So let’s say you have this coworker.  And she’s done something sweet for everyone in the office who has had a birthday sine she began working with you.  And you happen to like her.  And you happen to find out that it was her birthday last week and no one even knew it. So, no one told her Happy Birthday.  And to boot?  She brought in a cake for another coworker on her OWN birthday.  Yeah.  Not cool.

This is just a little eye candy to keep you reading.

This coworker, let’s call her Debbie, deserves a cake.  So you decide to make one when you get home.

But the grass needs to be cut.  And the Omnivore still has that whole-broken-foot-thing.  And your mower isn’t self-propelled, and although that’s rather extraneous to the topic at hand, I’d thought I’d let you know.  Back to the grass — it needs to be cut because you’re having a Pampered Chef party this weekend — and that *is* cooking related and that’s why I’m telling you.

But you need to cut the grass.  And you don’t have any eggs (remember the cake for Debbie?).  I really did have eggs, but I’m just setting the scene here. You don’t have any milk, either, because you’re lactose intolerant.  (More scene-setting).  But you want to bake a cake.

You’re pretty stubborn.

And so, somehow, you come up with this:

And I don’t even care if this ends up on cake-wrecks.  I made cake with no dairy ingredients and homemade frosting and I’m proud of it, mkay?  I’m not running a bakery here.  Remember my pretzel post?

Listen.  I’m good at a lot of things.  I’ve done some amazing things with vital wheat gluten.

And I’m pretty sharp outside of the kitchen, too.  Don’t dare to me to do a headstand while I’m coxing a gold medal-winning collegiate crew boat.  Because I will.

But these skills do not necessarily transfer over to cake decorating.  And that’s okay.  And if you have a problem with my skills, then you meet me out back, mkay?

For my dear friend, whom I affectionately call Debbie-Does-Dallas, I made a marbled cake.  Little did I know that it her *favorite* type of cake.  The following recipe is for the chocolate portion of the cake.

Betty Crocker’s Chocolate Snack Cake
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 cup sugar
1/4 cup baking cocoa
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/3 cup vegetable oil
1 teaspoon white vinegar
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
1 cup cold water

Mix all ingredients except vinegar in a medium mixing bowl.  Stir thoroughly to remove most lumps.  Add vinegar.  Stir again and pour into prepared 8x8x2 cake pan.  Bake at 375* for 20-25 minutes.

This recipe even says you can go ahead and mix everything in a nonstick cake pan.  Talk about the ultimate cake!

Only dirty the single cake pan and the whisk and you’re good to go mow the lawn.  Because it’s looking shaggy.  And the girls are coming over for the Pampered Chef party.  And you’ve got to keep up with the Jonses.  Seriously.  They’re watching.

And although this marbled cake is quite, quite pretty.  The cake must be iced.  Because you musk ask Debbie why she kept her birthday a secret. She’s going down for this one.

And so you have 1 cup of powdered sugar.  And that is reserved for royal icing for the lettering.  And you still need frosting.  And the grass still needs to be cut because the Omnivore’s foot is still broken. And so you need a quick frosting.  Using granulated white sugar.

Quick-Granulated-Sugar-Frosting (CDkitchen)
1 cup granulated sugar
1/4 cup cocoa
1/4 cup butter
1/4 cup milk (somehow, although we didn’t have it for the cake, we had milk for the frosting.  I dunno.  Things happen.  Milk appears.  Or maybe I substitute half-and-half.  Yeah, that’s it.) 
1 teaspoon vanilla

Mix together. Bring to a boil and boil for 1 minute. Add vanilla. Cool partially, then beat 3 minutes or until spreadable consistency.  I placed my small saucepan in my dutch oven filled with ice water to speed the cooling process.